The Chronicles of My ‘Poor Me’ Meltdown

Life
The Chronicles of My 'Poor Me' Meltdown | Life | The Chronicles of Carly

The Chronicles of My ‘Poor Me’ Meltdown

As I write this, it is midday, I am sitting in the corner of a cafe because work got a little too much for me and my screen displays a Michelle Obama quote that I swear has been put there to taunt me.

“Success isn't about how your life looks to others. It's about how it feels to you.”

Lady Obama, can you please take your well-meaning quote elsewhere? I am sick of reading it. Here's hoping tomorrow's quote is more attuned to my feelings.

I am not going to lie to you, I am in a deep ‘poor me’ mood and this shit has been dragging on for days.

Don’t get me wrong - I have tried a long list of things to get me out of my funk but with zero success. Heck, I am the person that wrote articles with titles like De-Stressing Strategies for a Stressful Day In The Office and The Survival Guide For Your Next Bad Week #MentalHealthMatters and yet I just can't shake this mood.

Does anyone else have those weeks where it feels the world is conspiring against you? Sounds a little dramatic I know and yet still, this is where I am at.

It feels like I can’t get a win. This week has just been wave after wave and I am a little tired of the world knocking me down. Again, I know this all sounds a little dramatic… believe me, I know!

Do you ever have an out-of-body experience where you are watching yourself be in a terrible mood and just wanna shake yourself and scream “knock it out.” That is me. Right now.

I have a good life. I have good things happening in my life. Yes, it is pretty high pressure right now, but would I prefer a life of nothingness? Hell no.

Why do I let the bad outweigh the good? Why do I let the negative words from a stranger impact me more than the words of love from my friends and family? Why do I allow people to make me feel inferior when I know in my heart of hearts, I am trying the best I can and ultimately that is all I can do? Why do I let a missed appointment piss me off rather than soaking up that bonus time with my partner?

In counseling, my psychologist taught me to analyse my life as a series of ‘towards and away moves’. The premise is super simple... before you take any action you stop and ask yourself “is this action moving me towards or away the person I want to be / the life I want to live / the future I am working towards?” If the answer is ‘towards’ - go for gold. But if it is 'away', stop in your tracks and reverse the f*** away from that action.

When I first learned about the ‘towards and away’ technique I would use it religiously - I would even literally stop in my steps and put my arms up to be like a fork in the road to visually drive the point home to my brain.

But, as we all do in life, as I gradually got better and better I started to disregard the very things that helped me get better.

As I got better and better, I started to think that techniques like the 'towards and away' thing were, to put it simply, below me. I was better now, why would I need to use such techniques?

What if, instead of giving up on these techniques, I leaned into them the better I got? What if I applied the ‘towards and away’ practice to my internal dialogue? Imagine if every time the little voice inside my head started to talk I would stop it and ask whether what it was about to say was going to move me ‘towards or away' from the healthy, confident and happy person I wanted to be? How many unhealthy criticisms of myself would I have stopped? Would I be having this ‘poor me’ meltdown right now?

I don’t know the answer, but I am desperate to find out.

I want to start being kinder to myself.

I want to stop trying to control situations that are outside of my control.

I want to start taking time out for myself. Not to blog, not to work, not to clean, not to learn but just for me.

I want to stop being so consumed by my inner conversations, that I miss the real conversations happening right in front of me.

I want to start coming from a place of gratitude, not ‘poor me’.

I want to stop taking my health for granted in the good times.

I want to start working on myself, not for ‘career advancement’ or anyone else but for me.

I want to stop the negative self-talk that is bringing me down.

I want to start finding balance. I have to remind myself it is okay to take an extra year to get to a destination if it means you will be happy when you get there.

What do you want to start today?